hilariously provided by Dan C., Stanton’s resident jokester

How are music jokes like a bride’s wardrobe? Some are old, some are new, some are borrowed, some are blue! (*groan*) Here are “24 Totally Cringe-worthy Classical Music Jokes,” courtesy of classicfm.com:

Schoenberg-Arnold-03Arnold Schoenberg walks into a bar. “I’ll have a gin please, but no tonic”

Why was the former conductor of the Berlin Philharmonic always first off the plane? Because he only had Karajan luggage.

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer? He was Haydn.

There are so many jokes about this composer. I could make you a Liszt.

Why didn’t Handel go shopping? Because he was Baroque.

Why did J. S. Bach have so many children? Because he didn’t have any organ stops.

au laWhy didn’t the bouncer let the quarter notes into the bar? Because they were slurring.

How do you fix a broken brass instrument? With a tuba glue.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.

How can you tell if a singer’s at your door? They can’t find the key and don’t know when to come in.

What’s the difference between a viola and an onion? No one cries when you cut up a viola.

AR-140629629What’s the difference between a conductor and God? God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

Middle C, E flat and G walk into a bar. “Sorry,” the barman said. “We don’t serve minors.

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep? Pay them for the pizza.

What’s the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take your shoes off the jump on a trampoline.

How does a soprano sing a scale? Do, Re, Mi, Me, Me, Me, Me ME!

What’s the difference between a musician and a large pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.

What’s the definition of perfect pitch? When you throw a banjo in the trash bin and it lands on an accordion.

Why did the audiophile buy a Pavarotti album? Because he loved the high Cs.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Philip Glass. Knock knock. Who’s there? Philip Glass. Knock knock. Who’s there? Philip Glass

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone’s relieved when the case is closed.

What’s the difference between a chainsaw and a saxophone? You can tune a chainsaw.

How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb. One. She just holds on and the world revolves around her.

A percussionist, tired from being ridiculed by other musicians, decides to change instruments. He walks into a music shop and says, “I’ll take that red trumpet over there, and that accordion.” After a second, the shop assistant says, “OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator stays.”

Two back desk orchestral players go fishing and one falls out of the boat. He screams: “Help, I don’t know how to swim!” His partner replies: “Just fake it!”

About the Author:
Dan has worked at Stanton’s since 1979, primarily with orchestra music and print promotions. A “working” musician, he’s a classical cellist, a rock & jazz bassist and a folk & country guitarist/singer. His free time is spent with family or reading, gardening, cycling and working puzzles. His series of musical puzzles (RP3 Rebus Puzzle Picture People) can be found on the Stanton’s Facebook page each Sunday. He also has a reputation as a pretty good joke teller. Seriously.


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